


It's Not Easy Being Green

by dametokillfor



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 09:52:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7797229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dametokillfor/pseuds/dametokillfor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Leonard silently curses Mick, silently curses his contact, silently curses every decision that has lead him to this moment, standing in a freezing cold warehouse being turned into an alien from the planet Myanus for the long awaited sequel to Star Fuck, The Search for Cock.</i>
</p><p>---x </p><p>In which one of Snart's pre-series legitimate jobs was porn, his director is totally not based on a co-star from one of his films, and I regret everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Easy Being Green

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Psyromayniak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psyromayniak/gifts).



> So, during a conversation with the lovely [Psyromayniak](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Psyromayniak) about one of the super insulting twists in The Loft, the idea of one of Snart's exes being Karl Urban came up, which then turned into a thinly veiled OMC called Carl Rural, who is just... ridiculous. Somehow that turned into porn, and then I ended up writing this.
> 
> So this is 95% her fault, and 5% the fault of that film.
> 
> Though I'm afraid I have to take full responsibility for the porn idea.

_This is for Lisa._

It’s become Leonard’s mantra, as he gets thick green paint brushed across every inch of his naked body. He’s already had every hair waxed off, and now the irritated skin is being soothed with this ridiculous green body paint.

_This is for Lisa._

The make-up artist, who moonlights as a face paint artist for kids parties, is giggling as she paints his ass with the waxy green goo.

_This is for Lisa._

Leonard silently curses Mick, silently curses his contact, silently curses every decision that has lead him to this moment, standing in a freezing cold warehouse being turned into an alien from the planet Myanus for the long awaited sequel to Star Fuck, The Search for Cock.

_This is for Lisa._

Leonard hates himself.

“I think, Mr Snart, you’re all done.” The bubbly young woman announces, hopping up to her feet. She crosses round in front of him, looks him up and down. There’s a little blush on her face as she sees his bright green cock. She quickly looks back up to his face. “Just don’t sit down on anything, or touch anything.”

And so he stands in the small room being used as a dressing room, in nothing but green paint, re-reading the thin excuse for a script he’s been given.

“I need to get you back to the ASS Enterguys, before the suns set and the pheromone mists get too strong.”   

Leonard groans and throws the script aside. Does Lisa really need a college fund?

“Regretting every choice you’ve ever made yet?” A voice behind him asks.

“I was doing that when I had green greasepaint slathered down my ass crack.” Leonard says, turning to face the mystery voice, and wow, this guy is _magnificent_.

Tall, a little taller than Leonard, and broad but not overly muscled. He looks firm and strong, but like he isn’t afraid to miss a session or two in the gym. His face is stunning, with a strong, bearded jaw Leonard wants to take a seat on. He has full lips that would look amazing round his cock, and hazel eyes that are going to be in Leonard’s fantasies for months to come.

“Now I’m contemplating just encouraging my sister to be a stripper, so I don’t have to pay for college.” Leonard’s impressed he manages to get his little quip out, rather than ask this guy how he’d feel about getting green greasepaint rubbed all over his body.

“I know a guy who could help you with that.”

It’s only now that Leonard is noticing his accent. It’s not quite Australian, more lyrical, warmer, Leonard would guess New Zealand. Whatever it is, Leonard wants to hear it against his ear as this guy encourages him to go faster, harder, deeper.

“Carl. Rural. The director.” He nods to Leonard’s bright green hands, “I’d, um, shake your hand but I’m pretty certain Mae would have my balls if I fucked up your colour.”

“Leonard Snart.”

“Ah, my star.” Carl says, with a smile, “What have they called you?”

“Har Don.”

Leonard can’t say the name without wincing. It isn’t even a clever porn name, and that’s what disappoints him more than anything else. With the exception of the Captain’s best friend, Boners, and the ASS Enterguys, the puns in the film are depressing. Leonard can’t believe he’s making his porn debut in such a lazily written film.

Carl snorts a laugh, “I’m sorry.”

Leonard sighs, “You and me both.”

“Well, Leonard,” Carl lifts a hand, claps him on the shoulder, “I’ll try and let you come out of this with a modicum of dignity.”

He pulls his hand away, green greasepaint covering it already. He looks down at it, grimacing. Leonard looks across at his arm, there’s a smudged human hand print across the skin, a lighter green. He looks over at Carl, one eyebrow raised. Carl reaches across and claps the other shoulder, making another print across the skin.

“And now it’s an alien marking.”

Leonard thinks he’s half in love.

\---x

The scene is brutal.

The guy playing Captain Kink (and Leonard really hates these writers) is a bad actor, even for porn. His cock is a masterpiece, but he doesn’t know how to use it. Leonard is lucky he has a vivid imagination, and an exhibitionist streak or this would be the most dull sex scene of all time. He’s screaming, and moaning, giving the audience what they want.

In his head, the man slamming into him is Carl, spurring him on by telling him just how hot and how amazing he is in that goddamn _accent_. The green paint is smearing both of their bodies, and the image in Leonard’s head changes to them in a steaming shower, slick against one another as they kiss and rut furiously.

The grip on Leonard’s hips is too tight, with ragged nails and it brings him painfully back to Earth. Captain Kink pulls out from Leonard and spins him round, presses him up against the spaceship, before slamming awkwardly back in. The ship shakes on the rickety stand it’s been built on, and Leonard supposes it could seem like a display of the Captain’s superior strength. He throws an _oh Captain, you’re so strong_ out for good measure.

This position is better, he thinks. Captain Kink still couldn’t hit his prostate if his life depended on it, but he can see Carl over the Captain’s shoulder. (And Leonard wishes he’d paid attention to this guys name, calling someone with no skill such a high rank feels wrong).

Carl is watching intently, looking a little too into the display in front of him. Leonard would be a little disappointed that something so mediocre gets him so hot, except he can see the man’s eyes are firmly fixed on him. Carl’s hand is wrapped tightly around the water bottle in his hand, and a baseball cap sits in his lap. He’s shuffling in his chair and he looks flushed.

Leonard grips the Captain’s thick bleached hair and buries his head in his neck, hissing into his shoulders, “Are you even trying to make me cum?”

The Captain slaps Leonard’s ass, “Nobody ever complained before.”

“First time for everything.”

The Captain moves to grip Leonard’s flagging dick, jerking it roughly, “It isn’t exactly easy for me, sweetheart. You’re not even trying.”

“I personally can’t believe you are.” Leonard hisses, “How do you have sex without money being exchanged?”

The Captain answers him with another slap across the ass.

The scene calls for Leonard to cum on Captain Kink’s chest, and lick it off. Leonard is pretty certain he’s not going to get there without a little help.

He ignores the Captain’s complaints in his ear, and fixes his eyes on Carl again. They can work around Leonard staring towards the camera in post (not that he imagines there’s an extensive post-production process in porn).

Carl’s looking right at him, face flushed and eyes blazing. He looks like he wants to rip the Captain off him, and take his place. Leonard wishes he would.

He’d pull the pretty boy away, and tell him to _watch and learn_ in _that_ accent. He’d kiss Leonard, properly, not as some big sloppy, wet show for the camera. That goddamn mouth is made for kissing, and cock sucking.

He would kiss his way down Leonard’s chest, would smear the paint worse than it already is. His face would be just as green as Leonard’s chest was. He'd take his time, tease him like a goddamn pro.

Leonard’s cock is more interested now, the mental images as well as the rough stimulation actually working together to get this goddamn shit done.

The Captain seems surprised, breaks Leonard out of his thoughts of Carl with a quick, “Can’t be that bad, can I?”

Leonard grunts at him, bites his neck hard as a punishment. The moan he gets sounds pained, and sadist he is, sends a shot of pleasure straight to Leonard’s cock which he punctuates with a theatrical moan that causes Carl to shuffle in his seat.

_Carl._

His foreplay wouldn’t have been perfunctory, two fingers up the ass and a fake lap of the tongue across his hole. Carl would take his time.

He’d tease Leonard, opening him slowly, like an exquisite torment. His tongue along his taint, moving higher, ever so slowly closer to his hole. He’d make Leonard beg, tracing it with his fingers, fingers he’d made Leonard suck down. He’d make him cry out before he even touched him properly.

“Please, please...”

Leonard’s voice sounds wrecked, the fantasy so rich as the Captain fumbles that Len hitting his release before he even realises it. His mental Carl is a little disappointed, but the real thing is staring at him with thinly disguised lust.

As Leonard drops to his knees, and laps his own cum from the Captain’s hard, pale abs, he’s suddenly _delighted_ that Lisa wants to better herself.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://damnstevens.tumblr.com).


End file.
